Dear Mama...

Today is my mom's B-Day, so I dedicate this post to her.

When I was younger, I swore I was adopted. I just knew I had to be because I didn't feel I looked like anybody in my family, and especially because my mom and I used to go at it. I was the only girl of 4 children, and perhaps that's what created the friction between the two of us. (Although I've heard many women say they went through a difficult time with their mothers when they were teenagers as well, so perhaps it had nothing to do with me being the only girl.) I felt my mother liked my brothers more than me, and she probably felt I was too much of a Daddy's girl. So there was a period of about 4 years in high school when my mom and I could have gotten along better. Now, don't get me wrong, our relationship was civil, but we both desperately wanted to be closer to each other like mothers and daughers should be. I just felt she couldn't relate to me, and the feelings were probably mutual on her part.

As children there are several stages we go through with regards to how we view our parents. First we think our parents are superstars and can do no wrong. But as we grow older and start to form our own identities, we start to notice the flaws in them. By the time we get to be teennagers, we are just at a loss for words as to why our parents do a majority of the things they do. I felt my parents were old enough to know better than to do certain things they would do, and a lot of times I was disappointed when they would do those things. Somewhere in your 20s, you start to see your parents in a more sensitive light. We start to understand why they may have made the decisions they made when they were younger that shaped them to be who they are today. Due to certain struggles that women tend to face together, like mensturation, finding suitable mates, having children, etc, my mom and I are now closer than ever. The more time I spend with her, the more I understand and appreciate the fact that she's just a human being. She's not perfect, nobody is. She has the same insecurities I have. I'm sure she had dreams as well as I have dreams now that I want to fulfill.

My love tells me I'm so much like my mother, and before I used to deny it or wonder why he would say such a thing. But as I get older and especially with the birth of my lovelies, I can now start to see what he means. Not only are we starting to look more and more alike, but we have so much in common now than we ever did. We even discuss men, marriage, and money. My mom goes through the same issues with my Dad that I go through with my love, and she's able to advise me based on that. I spent the whole day with her today and found myself just reveling in her knowledge. Who would have thunk she had a life of her own before she met my Dad and had children? I guess children don't really view their parents as anything else other than parents. Before she was ever my mother, she was a daughter, a sister, a cousin, a wife, a teacher, a student, etc. All I ever used to see her as was just my mother, but she's so much more. Her humanity simply amazes me, and I love it.

Happy B-Day Mom!!! Many happy returns!!!

A Mother's Love Determines How

A mother's love determines how

We love ourselves and others.

There is no sky we'll ever see

Not lit by that first love.
Stripped of love, the universe

Would drive us mad with pain;

But we are born into a world

That greets our cries with joy.
How much I owe you for the kiss

That told me who I was!

The greatest gift--a love of life--

Lay laughing in your eyes.
Because of you my world still has

The soft grace of your smile;

And every wind of fortune bears

The scent of your caress.

By Turlough O'Carolan

What about your friends

One of my favorite shows was Sex and the City. The show was on during the time I was in college, so being broke I had no access to HBO. However, my friends and I would wait till they came on DVD and go to Blockbuster to rent them by the seasons. We would literally stay up all night watching the shows, wishing we could just reach into the TV set to let Carrie know how bad Mr. Big was for her. And can you believe she left Aidan for Big...oh what a silly chick. Anyways, we all wanted to be Carrie, because she was the most fashionable one. But looking back now at the show, I would say I probably favor Miranda the most in terms of the role I play with my group of friends. Then came the show Girlfriends. When this show came out, it really hit home for me because being a black woman, it was great to see reflections of me and my friends on TV. We were used to being portrayed on TV as ghetto, rude, fat, or whatever negative image they want to depict. But on the contrary, the women of Girlfriends were funny, fashionable and fabulous. It was a breath of fresh air. Now I can't talk about famous TV friends without talking about Friends, the show. What can I say, the show was a classic.

I find the concept of friends to be extremely fascinating. If you have 1 or 2 great friends, you'll find that they are great treasures. They are there for us to laugh with, cry with, have fun with, be silly with, etc. More importantly, they are there to help us grow and become better human beings. Studies show that people with freinds tend to live longer, be more successful, and are overrall happier than those without friends. While we all all have numerous acquaintances, most people generally have 1 or 2, and not usually more than 3 or 4 best friends. These are the people that are so close to us, that they've seen us at our best and worst. They are there to act as a shoulder to cry on, a sounding board to bounce ideas off of, or an ear to listen. The significance of this group is that you can completely be yourself without the fear of being judged or condemned. Some people even consider their close friends family members.

I personally am wary of labels, so I've never called just one person my best friend. I have, however, always had a small close network of friends that are dear to my heart. I actually prefer this to just having one person as a close friend. With your group of friends, you have people who make you feel free to dream, which is highly important to me. They celebrate us and make us feel good to be us. Life is hard enough as it is, so it's important to surround ourselves with friends who aren't adding drama to our lives. Good friends aren't jealous of our successes, nor are they happy with our failures. They are our personal cheerleaders and genuinely just want to see us happy. If we can find that special group of people to call great friends, just imagine how much more our lives will be enriched.

Which Girlfriend are you?

I love the dynamics of those great TV friends friendships, and I think this is how most friendships are. In any great group of friends you usually find four personalities: The Nurturer, the Socialite, the Practical One, and the Spoiled/Needy one. Two or more of these personalities may be found in one person, but usually these personalities are evident in close friendships.

The Nurturer (Carrie or Joan): The nurturers are usually the glue that keeps the group together. They are the ones that all the members of the group look to as the one person that they can talk to. They are always available, and more than willing to go the distance for their friends. The group usually congregates are their house. They are good leaders as they are able to relate to people. They have a way of making people feel comfortable with them.

The Practical one (Miranda or Maya Wilkes): I consider myself a Miranda of Sex and the City or Maya Wilkes of Girlfriends. They tend to be strong willed, careear oriented, and somewhat self consumed. They hardly introduce their drama to the group, as they normally figure out their problems within themselves, or with one person within the group, usually the nurturer. However, when they have to discuss their problems with their inner core, they usually consult the Nurturer first. They work best on a one on one basis. They consider themselves to be practical and introspective.

The Needy/Spoiled One (Charlotte or Toni): The Needy one may have a negative connotation to it, but it's not meant to be condenscending. I'm simply using this term for a lack of a better phrase. These are people that are open with their lives and the issues they may be going through. The group may find that they spend a lot of their times discussing their issues. They are important to the group because they give the group a sense of purpose. other members of the group feel needed by these people becasue they are always going to them for advise. They are usually high strong when it comes to their beliefs. Some of them may be naive when it comes to certain social issues. They are so involved in their own lives and what kind of lives they believe they should be living, that they hardly care what other members of the group thinks of them. They are very emotional and sensitive people.

The Social Butterfly(Samantha or Lynn): These people are the crazy one in the group. They are particularly outgoing and fun loving. They are shockingly confident and usually willing to try anything once. The member of the group looks to them to get them into the hottest clubs and know the latest things going on. They can have fun with or without the group. They are true type A personalities.

How true is this to your group of friends? Which one are you? In short, let's cherish the friendships we have.

Charisma 101

Breaking down the "It Factor" Mystique


I was watching a show on TV yesterday when somebody asked the ever-present question in my mind lately..."What is that IT Factor that makes some people stars and the rest gazers?" I found it interesting that the answer that was given was "Charisma". Charisma!?!! What is this Charisma? Is it just another obscure concept like the "It Factor?" I brushed it off for a second as just another convenient, generic answer, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized there could be some validity to Charisma being the "IT Factor" for some people. It's no wonder the world is celebrity crazy. After all, celebrities are notoriously charismatic, hence the reason they're celebrities to begin with. If you can remember, Charisma was the culprit when Kerry was robbed of the Presidency. It perhaps also has something to do with world falling in line anytime Diddy decides he needs a name change. And have you noticed that no matter how much we try, we can't put our fingers on exactly what it is Paris Hilton does for a living, but her bank account keeps getting bigger and bigger. It’s CHARISMA!!! Charisma is a personal appeal that attracts others to you. It's the ability to charm or influence people, while making people feel like they are willing participants. Charisma is the ability to make even the lowest person on the totem pole feel like they're the greatest thing since slice bread. The truth of the matter is all personal will is lost in the presence of a charismatic person. We become their puppets, willing to play along with their hearts’ desires. We follow them blindly, even against our better judgments under normal circumstances. Charisma! It's the reason Oprah talked her way to Billions of Dollars. These people are particularly smarter than your and I, nor are they better looking, but they all have Charisma. So for those of us that weren’t born with the charismatic genes, are we automatically out of the game? Should we save ourselves the heartache and future psychiatric visits for failure to live up to the standards of our evil charismatic counterparts, and just accept defeat? I beg to differ.

There is a concept called “fake it till you make it”. Since they haven't gotten around to bottling charisma yet, I suggest we all fake the funk until it becomes us. It may seem unnatural at first, but actions performed over a long period of time eventually becomes a part of you. So from studying these selfish, evil-doers who are out to claim all the benefits of the world for themselves and continue to get richer, while we look at them with admiration, here are some of the principles I believe are important in order that we too may become charismatic.

• Be Friendly. This may be the hardest principle to conquer, but the one thing that the world needs more of is friendly people. Friendly people have a way of making peoples days. It’s hard because a lot of time we would rather not be bothered, but giving an extra smile to a stranger and doing your best to remember to wish people happy birthday will get you a long way. I have this one friend who would literally go out of her way to do things for me. My love and I are always skeptical of her, like what is her M.O? But because she’s so friendly, I would do anything and everything she asks of me, just because I know she would do the same for me.
• Be a good storyteller. At first I was going to put be funny, but there are lots of charismatic people that aren’t particularly funny people. People just happen to laugh at their jokes because like I said, they fall prey to their charm. Oprah for example isn’t really funny, but her audience members eat up everything she dishes out. She is, however, a good story teller. People like to laugh and be entertained. So being a person that’s comfortable telling stories is a great thing. Besides it’s always the person telling the story that the group’s attention is focused on. If they are good, they intrigue people and people want to get to know them better and even be their friends. Why? Because they know they will always be entertained. This one friend of mine is such a good story teller that he had me falling down on the street laughing one day. Come to think of it, what he said wasn’t all that funny, but it was his delivery that was great.
• Be Outgoing. It’s hard to be charismatic when you’re by yourself. In order to be charismatic, you have to surround yourself with people and be the fun one. After all, who wants to hang out with someone who’s just as boring as they are? Everybody wants that friend that’s the life of the party, and the one that’s always pushing them to do things they wouldn’t normally do. Force yourself to be the outgoing one in your group, and you’ll notice that all of a sudden people want to start hanging out with you and calling to see what you’re doing on the weekends.
• Be Charming. I suppose charming is almost like a synonym for charismatic, but whatever charming means to you…be that. Men are usually good at being charming, since they’d been practicing the art since they were little boys. They have to be charming in order to get women, so for the most part, it usually comes natural to them, especially when talking to women. Donald Trump is not good looking, but her gets the best looking females because of his charm. He makes women feel like they’d be missing out if they weren’t with him, and voila....like taking candy from a baby. Jay-Z is another one who’s a great charmer. Of course these women flocking to them could be as a result of their mega-millions, but you get the point. Being charming just means being pleasant to be around.
• Be Open. There’s nothing I love more than an open person. People feel they can relate to you and connect with you when you’re open and vulnerable. We all have insecurities as people, and it is these insecurities that keep us from nurturing each other and relating to one another. Being open makes people feel like they can let their guards down around. We all need to take a break from playing the game sometimes. The façade wears on our soul and makes us so guarded, but it’s a breath of fresh air, when we can just chill and take the masks off. People will feel like they can go to you for advice about what’s going on in their lives without being judged or condemned. Think Oprah and Kelly Rippa. The reason they’re so loved is because they’re so open. We’ve seen and heard Oprah cry about being Raped and fat. You can’t get much more open than that.
• Be Beautiful. Why?...Hey, why not? You’ll get further being beautiful than if you aren’t. I personally have this one down, so I’ll devote my time to working on the rest. (I can feel all the eyes rolling, but don’t hate…: ))

So my dears…I think we’re well on our way with getting our charisma on, and consequently flying our “It Factor” flag high. Good luck as you continue your search of the fabulous life you deserve.

Some books to reference on charisma are:
1. Charisma: Seven Keys to Developing the Magnetism that Leads to Success by Tony Alessandra
2. The New Secrets of Charisma : How to Discover and Unleash your Hidden Powers by Doe Lang
3. Charisma: How to Get That Special Magic by Marcia Grad