To the Bride and Groom

I've been going to a lot of bridal/wedding showers lately and my absolutely favorite part of the shower is the advice part. This is the part where the guests get to advice the bride and/or the groom about their impending journey into the holy matrimony and how to survive it. When it gets to my turn, I usually just want to purge my mind and tell them the truth that I wasn't told (perhaps bcos I haven't formally walked down the aisle yet), but like the rest of the guests, the urge to be brutally honest usually gives way to my need to be concise and typical. So, since I don't ever do it at the given platform for fears of not wanting the other guests to look at me with questionable looks as to the type of relationship I'm in, I'll do it here. So my 10 key points are going to be different from the usual "keep God first", or "Have fun with each other" or "Never go to sleep angry with each other". I mean really..."Never go to sleep angry?" How realistic is that? As I write this, I am extremely angry with Lovey for just how inconsiderate and selfish he is at times, and I'm sure I'm going to be going to sleep even angrier. But hey, that's life, so don't cry for me Argentina.

This is for those who are getting married in the next couple of months, especially for those going back home to Nigeria to tie the knot. Here's my unedited advice to you.

1. It's okay to fight...as long as it's not physical
My love and I spent valentines day with another couple friends of ours a couple of years ago. Sometime during the night, we played a game where we started talking about the last fight we got into as a couple, and what we did to make up. To my surprise, the response of our couple friends was that they had never been into any arguments in the 10 years or so that they had been together. WHAT!!!! How is that possible? I couldn't even imagine a couple of days going by without my love and I going at it, and I'm not ashamed to admit that. Because with our fights and all, we still have the best relationship out there from what I can see. Why...because we fight. You are two different people, with different backgrounds and different things are going to annoy you about each other. Fighting is one of the fastest ways for you to get to know each other better. You'll find out what irks you about your partner and vice versa. I personally think it's unhealthy to be in a relationship where the goal is to never fight. After making up from a fight, you usually learn more about your spouse. You know what your mate likes and dislikes, and hopefully you get to grow as a couple. Don't go looking to get into fights, but know it's perfectly normal and healthy if it happens.

2. Give each other some space when needed
I've never understood that advice "Never go to sleep angry with each other". Absolutely go to sleep angry when the alternative is getting stuck in a circular argument where no solution is being given. Sometimes when you get into disagreements with each other, the best thing to do is to get away. I've packed up a week's worth of stuff before and left the house to go to a hotel for a couple of days. Why? Because I couldn't stand to be in the presence of dude any second longer, for I would physically explode with anger. I leave to go think things over, and give him time as well. After a day or so, when things have settled, you have better chances of settling the matter. Most likely by this time, you've missed each other so much, that you're more than willing to work out whatever issues you had. And most to the time, you realize that it was all a matter of miscommunication or misunderstanding.

3. Don't compare your relationship to other people's relationships
No relationship is perfect...except mind, but we're the exception. You don't know what's going on behind close doors. Other couples may look happy and while you and your mate have been getting into it, but that doesn't mean your relationship needs a visit to couples therapy. You define your relationship, and how good it is. Get out of that pitfall of thinking "well this is what you would do if you love me", or this is how a husband is supposed to act. Know what you want, and make sure your relationships fits that. When your feelings are genuine, your partner is more likely to recognize where you're coming from, and you'll be happier.

4. Don't try to change each other
I hear people all the time that they wish their spouse were like other people. My feelings usually is then you wouldn't have fallen in love with your partner. You would have fallen for another random girl, who didn't have your spouse's personality. I am a product of ALL that is me, and if you change one thing, you get someone completely different. You fell in love with the complete package, so learn to accept the good with the bad, and spend your time celebrating the good, as opposed to changing the "bad".

5. It's true...Men are from Mars, women from Venus
It never ceases to surprise me just how something that makes complete sense to me as a woman, can sound utterly crazy to a man. There's been plenty of times when I would get into a disagreement with my Martian, I confide with my female friends to see if I'm the crazy one, and they would completely understand where I was coming from. However, when I turn around and tell the same story to a man, I get nothing but gasps and aawws saying "how could you do that?" I've tried to all ends, but it's impossible to figure out the mind of a man, and vice versa. We just have to understand that and respect it. Case in point, I had been taking on a lot of responsibility at one point, while lovey would just sit there and do whatever he felt like doing. So one day, I told him that really I felt that he should try to contribute just a little more around the house, and his response..."Well, I know just how doing these things mean to so much to you, so I didn't want to take that joy away from you by doing pitching in." He had actually convinced himself that I felt better taking on all the responsibilities by myself because it made me feel more like a woman. And when I discussed this with some of my female friends, surprise...surprise, their men had told them something similar to that effect before as well. MEN! On on the opposite side, men cannot figure out why it should take us 30 minutes to tell a 2 minute story, or calling them on the phone to say absolutely nothing. But these are things we do as men and women, and there's no point in the opposite sex trying to figure out why.

6. Communication, communication, communication
“Communication is to love as blood is to the body.” Take the blood out of the body and it dies. Take communication away and a relationship dies.The kind of communication I’m talking about isn’t just exchanging information - it’s sharing feelings, hurts, joys. That means getting below the surface and examining the hows and whys of daily life. Your wants and needs out of life. What makes you smile and what makes your cry. The more you communicate, the more there is to learn about each other to talk about. It is essential for the survival of your marriage, so take the time to do it.

7. Remember the commitment
Frankly speaking there are times when you're going to wonder if you made the best decision by marrying your spouse, what would your life be like if you were with someone else, why you're even in a relationship at all...but remember your commitment. Marriage is all or nothing. You can't put it on pause, while you go explore your whims for the night. When your emotions start to run wild, and you find yourself wondering what it's like to be single for the day, remember that your commitment is for a lifetime, and would you be willing to give up a lifetime of experiences with your spouse for however many hours, days, or even months of whatever the threat to your marriage could be for that moment. Many people make the mistake of relying on feelings rather than commitment. Romantic feelings come and go, and many spouses get nervous when the flame dies down. They begin to doubt their relationship and wonder if they married the wrong person. A lot us think a successful relationship must run on high-octane passion. Marriage is a series of highs and lows, so when the lows come, remember the commitment.

8. Patience
You may find yourself going over the same things over and over with your spouse which can be frustrating, but patience is a virtue. Pick and choose your battles. It may not be worth it to get into a fight about what he didn't get from the store eventhough you told him 5 times to remember to get it, and you even called him on the cell phone while he was at the store to get it. And then he has the nerves to come back and say he forgot. Hey, that's who he is, that's who you got, so learn to deal with it.

9. Get away from Nay Sayers
Don’t listen to the marriage cynics. As a matter of fact, don't even tell anybody about your marriage issues. There's no way anybody is going to be able to advice you on your relationship since they're not living it. Only you and your spouse know the nuances of your relationship, so keep it between yourselves. Misery loves company, and there are too many people in miserable relationships who want to bring you right down with them. When you tell them "A" about your spouse, they want to spin it into "B". Only a handful of people want to see that relationship survive, other people just want to know the story for the soap opera drama of it all and the gossip factor. Don't let them use your relationship as a punch line in their sick jokes.

10. Appreciate the journey
From hence forth, you'll be traveling through life with a partner. This is the person that's going to see you through your highest highs and your lowest lows. Get ready for the ride of your life, make sure you make the most of it, and by the end of it, be proud of where your end up.

There will be good times and bad times. Hopefully you have more good than bad. Congratulations on your new journey. It's worth it...but then how would I know, I'm not married.